Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
