glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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