I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Buhtt sex?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
