He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
