at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
