I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
