Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
