I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i think my tv is drunk
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
