Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
