My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize