i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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