I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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