Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Four minutes until I can fart!
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
