I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
