you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
