Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
