The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
