im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
