remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
