It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
third nipple confirmed
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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