I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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