I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
