i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
