If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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