I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
