i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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