Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Four minutes until I can fart!
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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