just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
