FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
