Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
