The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
