Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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