apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
