Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
