i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
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