There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
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