I can text with my tongue
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This is classic penis vs brain.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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