Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
it was like eating out sand paper
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
