I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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