please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
