dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize