my vag is so smooth its legendary
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
