I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize