My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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