I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
