Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
