She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
