i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
