Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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