I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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