he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
