guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
