this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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