I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
