she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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