I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
