i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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