I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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