i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
