I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
